Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Blonde Girl's Guide to: Defeating and Defending Myself

I realized last week that I am my own biggest opponent in the biggest battle I'll face during my entire life. I'm the one in control of everything and yet I'm purposefully veering the wrong-way down a one-way street of self-loathing, mediocrity, and confusion. I need help with this one.

I was running with my trainer and for some still unknown reason, I made it harder on myself. I did everything wrong and I know now that it was subconsciously on purpose. I started breathing to shallow because I knew it'd make my asthma kick in. I balled my fists so my shoulders would start to ache and I'd get a side stitch. I let my feet land heavy so my arches and knees would start to buckle. I was afraid of how well I was doing at a speed that 2 months ago I'd not have even attempted. I thought, "this should be harder and I should be failing", so I made myself fail.

Matt has been phenomenally patient. I know I'm not always the best client, moody, inconsistent, and probably a little boring, so kudos to him for hanging in there. I wonder why I even bother to have a trainer if I'm not going to let him do his job. It's like paying someone to teach me to sky-dive safely and then cutting a hole in my own parachute before the jump.

I think it's become my safety net to think that so-in-so is shallow for not hanging out with me or otherwise liking me because I'm not skinny enough for them, when really the reason is because there's something about me as a person that bothers them. I'm not sure I'm ready to handle the idea that some folks don't want to deal with my abrasive, defensive, dweeby, off beat personality. Is it easier to just be a big girl? Is it safer? Less traumatic? Will I still be able to use my weight as a defense against those people who care nothing about what I look like but who just don't like ME? Even worse is that it's been so easy to focus on my weight and not address all the other things that bother me about me. I'm not sure that once I reach my fitness goal that I'll like me either.