Thursday, April 29, 2010

The Blonde Girl's Guide to: Defeating and Defending Myself

I realized last week that I am my own biggest opponent in the biggest battle I'll face during my entire life. I'm the one in control of everything and yet I'm purposefully veering the wrong-way down a one-way street of self-loathing, mediocrity, and confusion. I need help with this one.

I was running with my trainer and for some still unknown reason, I made it harder on myself. I did everything wrong and I know now that it was subconsciously on purpose. I started breathing to shallow because I knew it'd make my asthma kick in. I balled my fists so my shoulders would start to ache and I'd get a side stitch. I let my feet land heavy so my arches and knees would start to buckle. I was afraid of how well I was doing at a speed that 2 months ago I'd not have even attempted. I thought, "this should be harder and I should be failing", so I made myself fail.

Matt has been phenomenally patient. I know I'm not always the best client, moody, inconsistent, and probably a little boring, so kudos to him for hanging in there. I wonder why I even bother to have a trainer if I'm not going to let him do his job. It's like paying someone to teach me to sky-dive safely and then cutting a hole in my own parachute before the jump.

I think it's become my safety net to think that so-in-so is shallow for not hanging out with me or otherwise liking me because I'm not skinny enough for them, when really the reason is because there's something about me as a person that bothers them. I'm not sure I'm ready to handle the idea that some folks don't want to deal with my abrasive, defensive, dweeby, off beat personality. Is it easier to just be a big girl? Is it safer? Less traumatic? Will I still be able to use my weight as a defense against those people who care nothing about what I look like but who just don't like ME? Even worse is that it's been so easy to focus on my weight and not address all the other things that bother me about me. I'm not sure that once I reach my fitness goal that I'll like me either.


  1. It's scary isn't it? Not knowing who is on the other side of all of this. It freaks the heck out of me just about every day.
    The cool thing is - you can know that you are likable - because WE LIKE YOU! We don't just like you - we love you, and since you find us valuable, you can trust how we feel. I think you will be surprised to find that we might just rub off on you.

    love you girl!

  2. I love you and I have been telling you that you are your own worst enemy for years. Everyone around you knows how good of a person you are and yet you are the only one who is thinking you constantly have to improve yourself. You have to learn to trust your instincts and learn to love yourself a little more. We love you and have always told you so, now you just have to believe it. That and I'm tired of repeating myself. ;op
    Miss you!

  3. Thank you ladies and to those that replied on my facebook page. You all are amazing and I know that no matter what size I am or what I look like that I'll still have you around. But the fact remains that some people just aren't going to like me. I can't please everyone and it'd be silly to try. But I need to somehow find a way to be okay with that. I KNOW I can't make everyone happy, but I need to be OKAY with it. I'm just not there yet.

  4. You never cared one jot for what people thought when you were little. You don't need to make up for it now. Let's grab hands and dance for no reason. I am so filled with gratitude for YOU.